Social Experiment III

I'll be keeping the beard, at least for the summer. Reception has been quite positive, and any naysayers have kept silent. Right now I'm trying to figure out the appropriate length at which to keep it. All I can tell you right now is that the first setting on my trimmer is too short, and I've never used the second. I've only just recently figured out that I've been using it improperly (revealing the inadequacy of the first setting), so perhaps the second will suffice. I need to balance sufficient body without significantly altering the shape of my face. I'm just vain like that.

In other news, my body has finally rebelled against its physically exacting regiment of No Down Time. Since the beginning of May, I've been pushing myself continuously, and today is really the first day of the month where I can sit around and do nothing. It began as it usually does, with a faint dryness in a tonsil. Then the dryness spread to both, and developed into a full-blown sore throat, which was accompanied by moderate nasal congestion and a light cough. These symptoms developed over 3 days, with almost one full day devoted to each. Now I'm in a phase of heavy congestion and an occasional chest cough. The good news is that the soreness in my throat has disappeared, which usually indicates that I'm on the mend. I predict a full recovery by Tuesday, at the latest. The dryness started on Wednesday evening, following a short day at work, and a trek into the Gatineau hills. I suspect that my body had relaxed prematurely due to the short day, and was left vulnerable thereafter. Could have been the French air. One never knows.

5 Days in May

They met in a hurricane
Standing in the shelter out of the rain
She tucked a note into his hand
Later on they took his car
Drove on down where the beaches are
He wrote her name in the sand
Never even let go of her hand

Somehow they stayed that way
For those 5 days in May
Made all the stars around them shine
Funny how you can look in vain
Living on nerves and such sweet pain
The loneliness that cuts so fine
To find the face you've seen a thousand times

Sometimes the world begins
To set you up on your feet again
And ohh it wipes the tears from your eyes
How will you ever know
The way that circumstances go
Oh its going to hit you by surprise
But I know my past
You were there
In everything I've done
You are the one

Looking back its hard to tell
Why they stood while others fell
Spend your life working it out
All I know is one cloudy day
They both just ran away
Rain on the windshield heading South
Ohh she loved the lines around his mouth

Sometimes the world begins
To set you up on your feet again
And ohh it wipes the tears from your eyes
How will you ever know
The way that circumstances go
Ohh its going to hit you by surprise
But I know my past
You were there
In everything I've done
You are the one

Three Years If It's a Day

So more than a week has somehow slid by since my last post, and I hardly even noticed it. I quickly got back into the swing of things at work, although the company appears to be in overall decline. In the years that I've worked there, I've seen a steady bleeding away of contracts, starting with Canada Day and Winterlude, and followed this year by the Sussex North area and the downtown banner contract, which was a personal favourite of mine. Canada Day I won't miss, as it required weekend work and the liklihood of evening and night shifts. Winterlude never affected me, as it happened during the winter while I was back at school. Sussex North was the company cash-cow: a low-maintenance area that brought in a high profit, so although I didn't form much of an attachment to the area itelf, the loss of the contract will hurt the company. Combined with the current recession, the amount of employees hired for summer work will be lower this year, and I suspect wages will remain stagnant. The banner contract I will miss, as it was a welcome change from the usual paint-and-property repair, and its upkeep was generally a leisurely way to spend a Friday morning.

My usual crew-leader and trainer is no longer with the company, so the odds are good that I will become the de-facto replacement, once more help is hired. In practice, this won't change my job description much, although it is looking like the hired help will be older on average this summer, meaning that I may be one of the youngest members carrying the most seniority. I don't know how such a position will make me feel. More on this as it develops.

Transition and Transformation III

So my fears of boredom and gloom in the early part of May have proven groundless. I got the call today, and I start back at work on Monday, which is a good two weeks earlier than I had initially been told. Now it's just a matter of transforming my rather liberal rising time from 9:30-10am to 5am over the course of three days. Let the good times roll.

Social Experiment II

The social experiment that is my beard has moved past the planning phase, although the poll that I operated saw only 6 Yes votes to 4 No. With numbers so small, I can't really make any initial judgements, although I can make some interesting observations:

60% of straight women who participated voted Yes
100% of straight men who participated voted Yes
100% of gay men who participated voted No

These figures don't tell me everything I'd like to know. I suspect that reasons for voting varied in the Yes cases, but not in the No cases. The former could have been either caused by simple curiosity OR the belief that beards look good, while I'm more inclinded to believe that the latter all come from the belief that beards are unattractive. I say this based particularly on the gay vote, as those voters presumably have a better idea of what looks good on a man than any straight man does. Democracy has carried the day, however, and now data will have to be collected by research in the field. I'm such a nerd.

Transition and Transformation II

I've been busy lately- far busier than I would have guessed a week ago when everything seemed to be moving so slow. The exercise and social activity has kept me in good spirits, yet I am apprehensive of the lull that must inevitably follow. Even during the last few hectic days there have been moments when I sensed that all the flurry of activity surrounding me was masking a decline in the more normal forms of my social interaction- Facebook and MSN have been dead for some time now, as people move away or get into the summer routine. When my social schedule dries up- as it will shortly- without work, and without the usual interaction that comes with school, I fear that a sort of gloomy boredom may become my new norm. Among the solutions offered to this problem, I have been told that I should find a woman. I admit that I would love that sort of companionship, but there is no reason to think that it will simply fall out of the sky. In the meantime, I think I shall construct some sort of routine. My bus pass will activate on Friday, meaning that I can essentially tour the city at whim, should I have nothing better to do. My spending needs to be reigned in, but there's still a lot I could do for cheap or free. I could also stand to devote more time to reading or practicing my German. Trouble is, once the summer comes, the leisure activities that are so relaxing during the school year seem far more mundane. I'm sure I'll figure something out though, and once mid-May rolls around I'll be back at work full-time anyways. Yee-haw.

Transition and Transformation

I had some fun tonight, and I'm happier than I've been in awhile. Having been relieved of my latest burden, I feel that I am ready to meet summer head-on. That's figurative, but walking home tonight I had the energy to attempt it physically. I haven't sprinted in a long time, and I ran fast enough to have stuff fall out of my pockets. I imagine it was quite a sight. I think this summer shall be a good one.

Character Development I: Einsamkeit

I still miss her sometimes, usually late at night when my mind wanders. It's true what they say- the heart never forgets its first love. Very infrequently I send her short messages in the hopes that she'll respond, but I always wait in vain. I suspect that my messages are filtered or blocked before they reach her, and I don't know what I'd do if she ever responded. My goals are unclear, but I suspect these actions are my mechanism for trying to come to terms with the great happiness that I lost, that one formative experience against which all others are measured.

My goal with this post is not to evoke pity or sympathy, and I don't want to be seen as someone who exists in a perpetual state or mourning, because I am generally content with my life and grateful for all that I have. I seek rather to provide the reader with a greater understanding of my character. Too often we make judgements based on a surface action without an attempt to delve deeper to discover the root cause. I intend to post on a number of these topics that I consider important formative experiences in my life.

This particular theme of lost love influences my current attitudes towards women, relationships, and sexual morality, and can further be linked to the periods of melancholy I sometimes enter. When we love someone strongly and that person is suddenly removed against our will, we don't simply stop loving, but we continute to produce feelings for a target that no longer receives them. The result can be likened to a wound which drains the victim psychologically, and unlike its corporeal counterpart, may never heal. Occasionally, something will cause this wound of mine to re-open, and I will enter a melancholic state. I want to point out that these states are not the same as a depression; they generally are shorter and less intense. I have also discovered recently that I am more susceptible to these moods when I am not eating properly.

This topic has admittedly been difficult for me to write about because I am a rather secretive person, and this post has required me lay out my personal oddities for others to examine. Say what you will. It does me no good to keep these things to myself anymore.

Dan's Odyssey

It has been almost a year since I last posted anything here, but it has been suggested that I once again take up blogging, if only to pass the time. I find writing to be cathartic, and the blog provides a safer audience than Facebook, I think. I believe that one of my first posts all those years ago stated that I would try to avoid discussing the mundane activities of my day-to-day life, and I think I'd like to try to keep up that tradition. To be sure, events from my daily life will be mentioned, but this blog will essentially be used as an arena where my abstract thoughts can be set free from my mind, so that they don't get bored and start wrecking up the place. Thoughts are tricky things.

So what's on my mind today?

Right now is the Beard Debate, that is, should I grow one? I'm fully capable of doing so, but my mind remains wary. The semi-poll that I've set up via Facebook so far suggests that most people are in favour of me trying it, so I guess the last person who requires convincing will be myself. To put it simply, I don't think a beard squares with my own image of myself. I used to have one years ago, and I liked it well enough. I kept it for about a year and the shaved it off out of boredom one day, and I haven't really attempted to grow another one since. To maintain a beard of the kind I'm thinking of growing will require more work than the usual clean-shaving once every 5-6 days. Yes, I'm lazy. It also doesn't help that my last girlfriend equated beards with pedophilia, which, although a bit ridiculous, has nevertheless colored my views on the subject. The major question in my mind, then, is whether a beard will provide more advantages than disadvantages. Since having a beard in my case is simply a question of aesthetics as opposed to one of utility (i.e. covering scars or filling out a weak jawline), what ultimately matters is how good I will look with one. This is a difficult question, given that all answers to it will be based on the subjective tastes of everyone (OK, every woman) who sees it. I suspect a bearded Dan will appeal more stronglyto a niche audience (the one that tries to pick him up at bus stops), while the more familiar clean-shaven Dan appeals to a more general audience, but in a weaker manner. I'm thinking this would make an interesting social experiment. In any case, I'll keep you up-to-date on any developments.

Necessity's Yoke

I'm back to writing out of boredom, and it seems that it's already been about two weeks since my last post. Time sure flies when you're doing jack-shit nothing. Tomorrow I begin the first of six weeks of language courses (I'll be taking French and German concurrently), so I should be able to enter some sort of routine, although it's not likely to be similar to any routine that I've encountered thus far. I don't expect the amount of time that I'll have to put in to homework will rival my last semester of university, although I do expect that I will unintentionally blur both languages into a language I will call "Freutsch." My classes will take up three hours each evening, from Monday-Thursday. On the one hand, I'll have the daylight hours free, but on the other anything I do during that time must necessarily end by the beginning of class. I'm used to the end of work beginning my leisure time, not the end of leisure time beginning my work. This will take some getting used to. Socializing outside of class will be difficult during those days, not that I expect a great many things to happen during a time which is the work-week for most people anyway. The good news is that language is like crack to me, and I thrive if I can concentrate all my effort on it. I have already had two classes of German so far this summer, and I feel I'm progressing much faster now than I ever did when I took courses during the regular school year. The instruction is purely in German, which is useful for submerging the student in the language and discouraging use of their native tongue. I imagine French will be less intense, if only because I'll be taking it at a lower level than German. I also expect that there will be people in my French class that are closer to me in age. Those taking German with me through the institute are all quite a bit older. At any rate, I'll find out tomorrow evening. Gute Nacht und/et bonne nuit.

Completion

After a three-month hiatus, I am posting once more. Today I completed the final exam of my undergraduate degree, and I feel no different. Likely the reason for this is that I'll be taking concurrent French and German courses this summer, and I'll return to Carleton for my MA in the fall. With five years of university under my belt, this is the only year that I feel I've kept up a consistent work ethic. Jeff is right when he says that the amount work required to keep an A average is exponentially more than what is needed for a B. I essentially have the next week off, until my German courses start on the fifth, so I intend to become a sediment. I'll be interested to see how long I'm able to keep up my non-workery, as I think an academic juggernaut such as this I've created will resist down time with all kinds of ferocity. I expect I'll be back into the Greek in a few days, with a new cell phone to boot. Awesome. Next time I'll write an entry that is less reminiscent of a diary of a 12 year old girl, as diaries are totally gay. For men, anyway.

Historical Hindsight: Throwing out the Baby with the Bathwater

My posts seem to attract greater readership if I post them on Facebook as well as here. For long articles, I intend to do both from now on.
***

In the discipline of history, hindsight is something of a problem. I mean, one can argue that the writing of history can never be objective, and that there are only different versions of history, no absolute Total History. That said, the historian must always be aware that he or she can be influenced, consciously or unconsciously, by the way that a given event unrolled itself in the course of history. One must do the best that they can to try to live in the moment of the event that one is researching, and not tend towards later views of the subject.

For example, during one of my fourth-year seminars, the majority of the class was incredulous as to why much of Europe would appease Nazi Germany in the 1930s. Well, the answer isn't so difficult, but we have to shed our knowledge of what followed, and this is difficult for many people. People in 1935 didn't know that a Second World War was coming, and the same is true of the Holocaust. What people were afraid of in 1935 was revolution, being a time of economic depression, and the major enemy in this respect was the Soviet Union. Nazi Germany for its flaws, seemed like an excellent counter to this threat. We also must remember, when Germany did begin to emerge as a threat, the effect which the Great War had on public opinion and rearmament.

My point is, one must try to be as objective as possible when dealing with historical events. To project a present belief into the past is called anachronism. This is one of my major issues with feminist historians, at least the ones that look for oppression wherever they can find it. I'm not saying that oppression didn't exist, I'm just saying that it's easy to find it, if that's what you want to find. This is not good history. We should look at the information and then decide, not the other way around. Now on to tarring with the same brush.

"Fan of social healthcare? Congratulations, you are also against assault weapons." - Jon Stewart

It happens, but it doesn't have to. I'll be brief; being interested in people like Joseph Stalin doesn't mean that you favor totalitarian governments or work camps. Don't confuse a historian with their research matter. Enough said.

I'm wearing a vest

I'm also in the midst of applying for grad school. I remember the stress that seemed to grip most of the fourth-year students last year, and I can thankfully say that they overhyped it. Or not. Since I'm only applying to the same university that I've attended for the last five years, maybe I have a locational advantage that they lacked. That is, I don't have to deal with mailing times. Nice. My references are in order, and all I have to do now is fill out some paperwork, make up to three trips to collect some more paperwork, divide the resulting mountain of paperwork into two packages, and drop it all off at the respective drop-off points before February 1. I'm relieved to be out of the virtual and error-prone world of post-grad internet registry, hopefully for good. This whole process is not as incredibly stressful as I would have thought, although maybe that's because I've been through the OGS and CGS processes already, processes that actually require more effort than applying to grad school, and slightly less effort than bench-pressing the continent of Asia. At any rate, hopefully I can finish up my grad work by the end of this week. Cheers.

Fortunate Son

I find myself these days to be utterly content without a relationship. This is a new phase in my life, one that I could not have understood if it were explained to me beforehand. I had often wondered why married men encouraged me to remain a bachelor for as long as I could, but now I wonder no more. I think Crowded House probably said it best, "There is freedom within; there is freedom without." I don't know if they were referring to the situation that I am describing, but the words nevertheless ring true. Within a relationship, one is freed from the hassle of finding a relationship; moreover, if the relationship is healthy, one has a kind of emotional freedom to relax, and let your partner keep you anchored. On the flip side, an anchor can become a ball-and-chain. Outside of a relationship, one has unlimited freedom of motion and potential, but the lack of an anchor that is provided by a soul-mate means that one could potentially drift far, both in a physical sense and a metaphorical one. If I might continue with the nautical metaphors, compare a relationship to a boat anchored in a harbor, and bachelorhood as a boat adrift on the sea. There is no particular advantage to one or the other, the decision depends upon the individual. The tendency has always been for people to pair off, but why should one feel excluded if he or she does not, especially when it is clear that the majority of relationships are unhealthy or forced? From what I have experienced, perhaps 2 of 3 relationships (among my peers) are built of matchwood and convenience, ever in danger of collapse if some disintegrating influence presents itself. No, the truly fortunate are not those who are necessaily in relationships, but who know what a good relationship should look like. In my experience, this means that the relationship generally strengthens you in all areas, and provides no significant hindrance. Unfortunately, it's hard to know a healthy relationship if you've never been in one. This is presumably why people are not advised to marry their first sweetheart. But hey, sometimes it works. Myself, I know what I'm looking for. I'm often asked what I find attractive in a woman. I may as well answer it here, because it requires unpacking and is not suited for short conversation. First off, to say what I find physically attractive is almost irrelevant, because it's misleading. A lot of women are physically attractive, but a great many of them could be outmaneuvered by some type of festive door ornament. That's not to say I don't like attractive women; it's the first level of attraction. So what do I look for? That's vague. I like red hair and pale skin, but those may as well be bonus points, because they're not that big a factor. What I like is essentially the girl-next-door look; feminine form and nice features. Through comparative analysis (and reality), I've also discovered that I tend toards the thinner end of the spectrum, possibly beyond what other men would consider attractive. Other than that, I'm not a fan of the petite or those who are taller than myself, though this is generally not a problem with a 6'2" guy. There, some vague markers for physical attraction. Now we move into the more important 'strength of character' section. Number one is always, loyalty/stability/staying power. I want the genuine article, meaning a real relationship, with the accepted possibility of the long-term. Women I judge to be questionable in their loyalties, especially those in relationships, are generally held in low regard and are worthy of suspicion. Number two: intelligence. Higher than average, let's say on a similar level to myself. I might be intimidated by a woman far beyond me in intelligence. Similar interests are also desirable. Number three: Maturity. I'd like a woman who's in a similar place to me in life. And finally: self-assuredness. If there's nothing worse than loyalty issues on my attraction scale, confidence issues are a close second. I don't want to prop up some cowering wreck of a woman, if I dish it out, I want her to throw it right back. To do so is to gain my respect. To bring all of this back to the original topic, I'm content to be single because the woman I have described is a rarity. She is the key to the ideal, and to settle for less would be to knowingly do so. To get to the very heart of the matter, I'd rather be alone, enjoying my Freedom Without, than coupled with the wrong person, denied my Freedom Within. Go listen to that song now.

Penance

So I've decided to atone for my sins by staying up late into the night to work on Greek. Why I'm undergoing penance is something I'll discuss some other time. I have 7 passages to do, although it's not likely I'll get them all done tonight. Five would be great, and it would put me way ahead of the game in Greek studying (the exam is almost a week away). If I'm serious about this, I should get some coffee. We'll see.

On Moths and The Flame

You can spend all your time makin' money;
You can spend all your love makin' time.
If it all fell to pieces tomorrow
Would you still be mine?

And when you're lookin' for your freedom
[Nobody seems to care]
And you can't find the door
[Can't find it anywhere]
When there's nothing to believe in
Still you're comin' back
[You're comin' back]
You're runnin' back for more...

So put me on a highway
And show me a sign,
And take it to the limit
One more time...

Truer word were never spoken, I think.

Internet, the Third

The internet is officially back up, thanks to a newer and sexier router. It seems that the older one only died some type of half-death, because it still half-works. We still have it, but in the age of digital information, a half-working router is like a half-working gas mask. It's just better to have a new one. And so it is. I attented a guest lecture this evening on 'The Romans and Ritual Murder." I enjoyed it as far as a student more interested in ancient Greece could, I suppose. Afterwards, there was a wine and cheese reception that was far too classy for the Humanities lounge in which it was held. I ducked out at about 10pm, having been on campus a good twelve hours. I'm not complaining though; I got a good deal of work done. The walk home was less than freezing, and the new router awaited me on my triumphant return. Good times. I suppose I'll now make an effort to finish my reading of Thucydides and the Sicilian Expedition. If I finish that, I can work on my paper proposal tomorrow. I have the feeling there's going to be some drastic changes between proposal and final paper, especially given the absence of most good sources from the library (for the moment). I'm actually feeling kind of limited by the topic, as I can't really make my paper too original without exponentially increasing the difficulty. I suppose I'll just try to write the kind of unoriginal second-year paper that they're expecting. Whee.

Internet II

The internet currently works via router. I don't know why. I suspect that it may be temporary, possibly because only two computers are on right now. It's also possible that my fixes actually worked. But unlikely. I'll keep you posted.

Internet

The system is down, man. For what seems to be no particular reason, out wireless router has decided to take control of the number of computers that can access the internet at a given time. Currently, that number is zero. I can connect by running the modem directly into my computer, but I'll have to share the connection with the rest of the house when they need it. Hopefully I'll get the problem sorted out soon, so we can return to the days of Plentiful Internet. Needless to say, my virtual correspondence will be minimal until then.

Barfly

Yes, I'm some sort of pub-going insect. What really tipped me off was the other-than-Thursday-night drinking that seems to happen a lot. No matter. I knows what I likes. I had intended to do (some) work tonight, but the committee that makes up my social self voted against it. I can't really say it was unexpected; the day was rather epic in its length. Yes, that adjective was not necessary. Anyways, I know the prospect of poring over a French etymological dictionary may sounds like buckets and buckets of illicit fun, but I assure you it can wait. It's actually going pretty well, considering my French is like Friedrich Engels. Largely forgotten. I actually got my CGS stuff done, which was far more important. I'll hand it in tomorrow, and then relax for approximately 48.3 seconds, after which I'll start work on something else. I'm going to shower now. I hear showering frequently is actually something that is specifically North American. I guess that means that a lot of the world is pretty dirty. Gross.