Character Development I: Einsamkeit

I still miss her sometimes, usually late at night when my mind wanders. It's true what they say- the heart never forgets its first love. Very infrequently I send her short messages in the hopes that she'll respond, but I always wait in vain. I suspect that my messages are filtered or blocked before they reach her, and I don't know what I'd do if she ever responded. My goals are unclear, but I suspect these actions are my mechanism for trying to come to terms with the great happiness that I lost, that one formative experience against which all others are measured.

My goal with this post is not to evoke pity or sympathy, and I don't want to be seen as someone who exists in a perpetual state or mourning, because I am generally content with my life and grateful for all that I have. I seek rather to provide the reader with a greater understanding of my character. Too often we make judgements based on a surface action without an attempt to delve deeper to discover the root cause. I intend to post on a number of these topics that I consider important formative experiences in my life.

This particular theme of lost love influences my current attitudes towards women, relationships, and sexual morality, and can further be linked to the periods of melancholy I sometimes enter. When we love someone strongly and that person is suddenly removed against our will, we don't simply stop loving, but we continute to produce feelings for a target that no longer receives them. The result can be likened to a wound which drains the victim psychologically, and unlike its corporeal counterpart, may never heal. Occasionally, something will cause this wound of mine to re-open, and I will enter a melancholic state. I want to point out that these states are not the same as a depression; they generally are shorter and less intense. I have also discovered recently that I am more susceptible to these moods when I am not eating properly.

This topic has admittedly been difficult for me to write about because I am a rather secretive person, and this post has required me lay out my personal oddities for others to examine. Say what you will. It does me no good to keep these things to myself anymore.